Today I wanted to talk about something that is really personal to me.
I never liked admitting that I have something called…”social anxiety.”
I would always call myself shy or quiet, but I didn’t realize that it is more than being just shy.
I researched more about social anxiety and found out that it may be treatable with therapy, but I never really seek out for a therapist.
I think that my social anxiety got worst because I would put myself in situations, where I would force myself to be somewhat…”outgoing.”
On the inside, I hated pretending to be “outgoing” because it really takes up a lot of energy and I felt very anxious about it.
I got hurt A LOT along the way…..I hated hurting others as well…Which led me to push everyone away from me. 😦
What made me open up again was the fact that…I felt so lonely. I started to open up a little by little and felt like I needed to change my way of thinking and grow as a person through those experiences.
Another thing is that I fear going into big crowds even if I know the people. I fear meeting new people the most because I don’t know who they are and it terrifies me to think that I’m meeting another person that has a chance to hurt me.
I have the biggest anxiety even when I’m hanging out with a friend because I feel so much pressure to make it seem fun to hang out with me. I also try not to be so negative and confess my personal struggles unless I REALLY have to.
These are some of my scenarios of my social anxiety…
The other day, my sister and I went to a park to walk my dog and I would ask my sister to go somewhere with less or no people. (Yes, we were playing Pokemon Go.)
I would also avoid eye contact by wearing a cap when going to grocery stores.
I’m not sure how I survived in Korea because you go into big crowds everyday. I think I was too excited to shop and eat to really realize my anxiety. I do remember feeling anxious passing by people because they would stare into your soul, or their phones. I remember I would get so anxious that I start to walk extremely faster.
The thing that sucks the most is that I would push away my friends because I’m not sure why, but I have the fear that I might get hurt, even if my friends have been nice to me.
I never told anyone about my social anxiety except for my close friends, but I like it that way because why bring up something negative and personal to everyone? Also, I don’t like the idea of someone might think I have so many problems…
Part of social anxiety is the fear of what others will think….Which is basically almost everything I wrote about.
I always tell myself that it’s not a big deal of what others will think of you, but it still gets to me. Dang it.
Most of the times, I just ignore my social anxiety and act like I don’t have it even if I feel it in me.
I don’t know if that’s making it worse, but not sure what else to do. I do feel exhausted and slightly…depressed, but I feel like it’s getting better than before.
I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who is going through this, but I know that there are others going through this as well. So, I wanted to make this blog post to say that you’re not alone and we can fight it together! 🙂
I still struggle with social anxiety, unfortunately, but I don’t think that should be any sort of reason to hurt the ones trying to reach out to you by pushing them away. I’m still struggling with this, but someday…I hope to fight my anxiety.
Thank you for reading my blog post! ❤